LIKE Kel Knight from that fine Australian satire Kath and Kim, Old Brett Burns is not just a butcher, he is a purveyor of fine meats. Now what exactly does this mean?
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Well, years ago when Frank (Fatty) Day ruled with an iron fist over the boning room at the Macksville Abattoirs he had developed a finely trained eye for a nice juicy rump ,a beautiful leg of lamb, tasty lambs fry ... even a lovely pile of tripe.
Now at this time, young Brett, as an apprentice butcher was "as keen as mustard" to learn this highly skilled craft. Fatty, though, had some closely guarded secrets when it came to the mystic art of turning a live heifer into 3751 different cuts of meat.
In truth, Fatty hammered home to young Burns over a schooner at the Old Golden Sands Hotel the importance of not wasting a single cell from the dead carcass.
How did the young Burns develop this interest in butchering animals?
Well, like the rest of us, I believe it came from his schooling. Not so much from the classroom instruction but more from the educational influences from excursions we went on during our formative years.
I can remember in primary school we went on one excursion. One day we all marched out to the Nambucca Heads Historical Museum. Fifty kids trying to fit into a room the size of a cupboard. The scale model of Captain Cook's Endeavour was in grave danger that day!
Then in high school we went on two excursions. Well, those of us lucky enough to scrape together the funds for three days in the snow did. No ... actually two hours at Perisher in the snow, and two days sitting in a bus travelling there and back.
But this was just a bit of hit and giggle!
The real learnin' about life and its consequences came from our trip to the Macksville Abattoirs!
Why the abattoirs?
I reckon for the teachers organising this occasion it was a toss of the coin between the cemetery or the abattoirs.
Personally, I can remember, quite vividly, three things from that day that have remained with me ever since.
Firstly, a kid explaining how he saw a cow shot in the head! His reaction would suggest he may have suffered from PTSD in later life!
Secondly, the frightening sight of Fatty Day wielding his razor sharp implement in the boning room. From the glimpse of the action I saw he had the attention to detail and the eye of a serial killer while putting aside a few prized trophies to take home to his lovely wife Daphne at the end of his shift.
And thirdly, the odours coming from the finality of the whole process. The blood and bone pile! You reckon blood and bone from Bunnings has a whiff? Just try poking your head in the blood and bone room! Like the dead heifer, that smell you will take to your grave.
Now for whatever reason, each to his own, I believe this out-of-the-classroom experience had a big influence on the young Burns.
Certainly, the classroom experience had absolutely no impact!
In Frank (Fatty) Day he had an experienced campaigner to "chew the fat" so to speak in learning how to butcher a dead animal for the ultimate financial gain.
With the demise of the local abattoir, the opportunity for school kids to learn some real lessons in life and living, disappeared.
What was left was the small goods factory on the north side of the river at Macksville.
Over the years Old Burnsy, who is one of nature's gentlemen, has butchered a hell of a lot of animal products.
But always with the skill and dexterity of a fine exponent of his craft.