With the death of his father playing on his mind, and thoughts of his grieving mother, James Longworth said he was at the "weakest point" in his life when he punched a bouncer outside a Sydney bar.
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"I remember thinking I wanted to hit him and it was spontaneous," Mr Longworth told Downing Centre District Court on Tuesday.
"I just remember feeling the impact of the punch and just being in disbelief that I hit him."
Mr Longworth, who went to school at Cranbrook and studied business at university, told the court what happened in the lead-up to punching Fady Taiba, who had refused him entry to Bar 333 in central Sydney on September 6, 2013.
The 34-year-old said his father died in June, just as he was preparing to move from London back to Sydney to be at his bedside.
His family found out a crematorium had lost his father's ashes on Thursday September 5, and he was still feeling devastated after work on Friday.
"I was heartbroken. I'd missed seeing dad while I was overseas and even though he'd been cremated, I hated the thought of never being able to visit him and just him being lost."
Mr Longworth said he had 10 schooners of beer at the Concourse Bar, near Wynyard station, before he and his friends moved to Bar 333.
At the entrance, Mr Taiba refused him entry in a "laughing tone" because he was stumbling, he said.
"I just got overwhelmed with sadness about dad. I just lashed out."
Mr Longworth has pleaded not guilty to intentionally inflicting grievous bodily harm on Mr Taiba, arguing his state of mind at the time meant he did not form an intention to seriously injure him.
Under cross-examination from Crown prosecutor John Pickering, SC, Mr Longworth insisted he didn't intend to hurt Mr Taiba, who suffered a broken jaw, a fractured eye socket, and required brain surgery after the punch.
"It was panic. I was overwhelmed. I thought I wanted to hit Mr Taiba when I normally would have [been] reserved. It was just a lash out when I normally wouldn't have lashed out.
"The thought process did not go beyond wanting to hit Mr Taiba."
Mr Pickering suggested the link between his grief and the punch was made up.
"It was real, I would never act that way normally and I was truly overwhelmed. I'd never felt anything like it before. I just couldn't breathe ... I lashed out," Mr Longworth said.
Mr Pickering asked: "How do you deal with the grief of your father by striking another man, can you explain that?"
"There's no explanation," Mr Longworth replied.
The trial continues before Judge Richard Cogswell.
